For me?

The last post was for Adora. I think maybe this one is for me. hahaha.

Yesterday was pretty terrific. Went to Berkeley and hung out with Angie. I had a really great time and am really glad I went. We ate a lot of yummy food (and sweets) and saw Dreamgirls and went shopping. Good times.

However, I find myself back at school and depressed (again). I'm really unhappy and frustrated. I feel trapped by scholastic and familial obligations. I am tired of looking for the stupid shoes I am supposed to wear. I am tired of graduate school. I want to work during the week, have weekends open, and have a plan. Graduate school was the plan (sort of). But within graduate school there is no plan. I don't have a project (even a small one), I read random papers, I have classes and meetings that seem pointless and ARE boring. I just don't want to do it anymore.

I was all excited about Italy and China, but am finding myself feeling more and more unhappy about it. They're both going to be insanely expensive (well, considering how much money I have) and from what I can tell I'm footing the majority of the costs. I will also be going to go to conferences and lectures, which I am decidedly unhappy about. I want to go to travel and look around. I do NOT want to go to be bored out of my skull for hours on end. I can stay here and do that for much less money.

I am tired of waiting for school to be over for my life to begin.

I'm also tired of feeling like people aren't taking what I say seriously.

For Adora

Because Adora was bored she asked me to update this, so here I go.

A lot of stuff has actually been happening recently. Mainly just humdrum stuff though. Classes, Homework, Teaching. My life is dull. What can I say? I suppose some time has been devoted to preparing for Peter's wedding - getting the yucky dress altered, looking for shoes (no luck yet - curse you big feet!! or small shoes, depending on how you look at it), and thinking about a gift (I want it to be original and not too expensive). It's not very fun at all - am also picking up on my Mom and Dad's feelings about the whole thing as well. Blah.

School is going okay. I was really shocked today when in my chemical oceanography class somebody asked what pore water was... Not that I expect many people to know, but I definitely expect an ocean sciences grad student to know. There has also been an insane amount of meetings lately - or maybe it's the same amount and I'm just going more often? Grad school is definitely lame in that respect. Sometimes they are really interesting, sure, but a lot of the time I feel like it's a waste of my time. I could be working, or sleeping, or reading PhD comics...

I'm getting pretty sick of graduate school. Graduate school just makes me feel stuck. I think it's a combination of not having a lab project to work on and reading paper after paper... Not sure I'm cut out for this. I tend to just trust the author and think they know what they're doing, but then Jim will say... and this isn't correct because... blah!

Anyway... am going to try and get some more work done before dinosaur lecture.

You could be happy...

For some reason I've been listening to the songs You Could Be Happy and Set Fire to the Third Bar by Snow Patrol quite a bit. I really like the lyrics and they have a soothing effect on me, even though they are sad, or perhaps it's because they are sad.

I sometimes wish I knew what I want. Graduate school is finally starting to make sense and I'm finally feeling comfortable where I am. Although, I still sometimes wonder if I picked the right path or if there is a right path. I'm always reminded of the idiom - The grass is always greener on the other side. I think as long as I can be happy/content most of the time then I have chosen well, even if it's not perfect. Let's face it, nothing can be perfect, but I want to get as close as I can.

And if I don't have it all figured out right now, that's fine too. I'll just continue with what I'm doing. If other options present themselves I will consider them as they come. But for now I think I am where I need to/want to/should be.

Also, even though I'm not quite sure who all reads this, I want to say I'm grateful for the wonderful friends I have. You listen. You are patient. You explain things to me that I don't understand. You agree with my good decisions and disagree with my bad ones. Thanks for being who you are. :)